and don't I know the truth of my own saying... Being an only child, there have been innumerable times that I have been physically alone. Mom had to work after all and the maid hardly counted as company. That was ok. I was a resourceful and independent child and I made the best of things, even by myself. There was certainly no lack of things to be done as I was showered with the latest games to divert my attention from the fact I was without a playmate.

Then school came. I made many friends easily and was pretty happy for a time. Goodbye to the days of being alone, or so I thought. Time endeavored to prove me wrong though. While I was rarely physically alone, emotionally I was distant from people, friends and family alike. Nobody understood me and it didnt help that I thought in a different way than the rest of my schoolmates.

I disapproved of many of their attitudes/habits (who would've ever thought there could exist a child/pre-teen society of backstabbers and blind self worshippers?) and eventually voluntarily distanced myself from them. My family was a different matter. While I was never in want of material possessions, Mom was almost always too caught up in her own affairs to truly try to understand me. Oh she thinks about me a lot and asks me how I'm doing, the problem is that she forgets what I said the day after...

By the time I arrived in High School, I was thoroughly jaded. I thought humanity consisted of self centered hypocritical cynics and just existing alone was already a rather miserable prospect. Oh I still had an extremely large number of acquiantances that could be considered friends, any number of whom I kept company with sporadically. A select few of them where actually worthwhile people and I am still friends with those to this day but all in all, I wasnt close to any of them. None of them knew me.

I was well and truly alone, emotionally so and more and more often, physically so. There was no one who understood me and no one to support me when I needed help. It wasnt that there was no one well meaning enough, it was just that no one understood my needs. I was reading my old journal today and I saw just how true that statement was. While another reader might not see that in most parts of my journal, I know that there was a piece missing in all the happy statements that were written there. The happiness I felt was hollow, lacking depth and meaning.

So here I stand now. Still searching for meaning, still lost though I've learned a lot of lessons along the way. What the hell, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger right? Having been alone for so long develops a hell of a lot of independence and strength of will. I've never heard anything from others but criticism and empty praise that fall carelessly off the tongue but who am I to care? I am not about to give up my goals and beliefs just because some people don't have the IQ nor EQ to understand them. In the end it will still be myself to whom I will have to look to and so what I think still counts the most.

I'm still alone.... though I have more worthwhile friends now. Perhaps we'll even come to an understanding after a while. Only time will tell.

If you got this far in this entry and actually understood what I have just related, congratulations. It was one of my longer entries and by far one of the more confusing ones. Anyway, I'm off to play now, Maybe I'll revise this later so it'll make more sense. Ciao!

~Demonix